親切な手 アラフィフからの幸せ探し

 

親と同居していると、こんなことないですか。

“頼んでもいないこと”を勝手に親がしてくれる、

文句を言いたいところだけど、
お世話になってるんだから言えない。

勝手に部屋に入る、

勝手に部屋を片付けてくれる

勝手に部屋の模様替えをしてくれる

勝手に、勝手に、勝手に………..。

 

この「勝手に」がポイント。

親は「良かれと思って」という。

こちら側からしたら領域侵犯くらいに思ってしまう。
「プライベート」な場所はいくら親だからって勝手に何かして良い筈がない。
「親」だからこそ、知られたくないことだってある。

今更、反抗期?なのかしら?
いやいや、もう50歳よ。
なのに親はお構いなし。
20代で結婚のために家を出たときのイメージがそのままなのかもしれない。

あれから20年近く経っているしそれまできちんとやってきたつもり。
家事も育児もそれなりに一生懸命、自分なりの工夫を凝らして。
なのに、
親は認めない。
だから
「良かれ」と言って承諾も取らずやってしまう。
50歳近くなった娘を半人前と決め込み
やってやらねばならない子供のような扱い。
今の娘を認めようとはしていないのね。

 

子ども(親にとっては孫)のことにも口を出す。
大丈夫、ちゃんと子供たちも考えてやるだろうし、必要なことは言ってるから。
放っておいて。
「一緒に住んでいるんだから心配して何が悪い」と言う。
悪くなんかないけれど、
「あなたがこんな風に育てたからこうなった」
「あなたがきちんと言わないからだらしない」
「勉強もきちんと見ないから成績が悪い」
責められるので言い返すと、
「感謝がない。いつも自分のことばかり。
良かれと思って言ってやっているのにその態度はなんだ。」ですって。
毎回、毎回悲しくなっちゃう。

こう言ってはなんだけど、
一生懸命、今思えば無理させたと反省してしまうほど
熱心に勉強させたつもり。
色々なことがあって、それだけが大切ではないと気付いたから
今は子供に「自分で考える力」と「自由と責任」をきちんと学ばせたくて
本当はガミガミ言いたいのを我慢している。
必要なことはもちろん伝えるし念を押す。
しつこくはしない。

「必要以上に言わない、責めない」
ガミガミ言うよりこちらのほうがずっと大変。
「ママが言ったから」とかそんな風に物事を決めてほしくない。
だから大騒ぎしていないだけなんだけど、

親からは何も言っていないように見えるらしい。
放任に見えるらしい。

「良かれ」という言葉は良い言葉なのかもしれないけれど
すっかり心がこじれて
「良かれ」が「責め」にしか感じない。
悪意に感じてしまうのです。

 

親不孝でしょうか。
アラフィフにもなって
親にこんなに心配されなくてはならないほど
ダメな人間でしょうか。

すっかり自信がなくなってしまいます。

親の「良かれ」はきっと嘘じゃない。
心の奥底から
「自分たちは役に立つ」
「出来ることはやってやりたい」
と思っているのは確か。
岩のように固い愛情は感じるけど
それは果たして本当にただ愛情だけなのかしら?

言い合いになると
「やりたくないのにやってやっている」
「感謝もしていない」
「放っておけないからやっているんだ」

だから言い返す。
「やりたくないのになんでやるのよ」
「放っておいてよ」
「我慢してさせてあげてるのよ」
「良かれじゃなくて自己満足でやっているんでしょう」

笑ってユーモアにできるほど人間が出来ていないので
直球で返してしまったり。
言い返しできるのも実は幸せなことかもしれない。

「信用してないんだからもう何言っても評価は最低なんでしょ。」
開き直って正直に言ってしまうことが出来れば
それはそれで良いのかもしれない。
(自己嫌悪に多少落ち込むけれど)

「良かれ」の押しつけは子供にとって「悪意」と同じ。
「つい手(口)を出す」=「傲慢と支配」なんだから
「子離れできない70代の親」ということなのかもしれない。
50代の子供をまだ「所有物」だと思っている。

この考えでの闘いは親の元気があるうちはずっと続く。
悲しいけれど、争わなくなった時は親が衰えた証拠だ。
「元気なら色々やってあげるのに」
もう自由が利かなくなった親がこんなことを思わないように、
無駄な責任感を追わずに済むように
「もう心配しなくても大丈夫」と安心してもらうためにも
やはり、呪文のように言い続けるしかないのかもしれない。

「良かれ」は「余計なお世話」だと。

親が自分の子育てに自信がないから、いつまでたっても手を放せないのよね。
失敗したと思わなきゃいいのに。
良いところだけ見てくれたらよいのに。

それは、わたしも同じこと。
自分の子供の良いところをたくさん見つけて
自分も子供たちにも自信をつけて
「自分の納得のいく人生」を進んでもらいたいもの。

お互い、頑張りましょうね。

 

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