分かり合えない アラフィフからの幸せさがし

なかなか親とは分かり合えないものですね。

今朝は、同居の母と修羅場を迎えました。
きっかけは大したことではなかったのです。

「お弁当、作ろうと思ったのに」
この一言が始まりでした。

私は4年前、離婚して子供三人を連れて実家へ戻りました。
その時から、長年渦巻いていた思いが色々吹きこぼれてきて、
母親とはひどい罵り合いもしました。
最近はだいぶん感情のマグマも落ち着いてきて、
色々あったけれど、ようやく安心した関係性を築けるかもと思っていたところでした。

同居することになって、
時間的にも気持ち的にもなかなかお料理は出来なくなり、
そんな状況で唯一お弁当だけは子供たちへ
母親らしく料理をしているような気分になれて
自分にとっての励みや愉しみとなっていました。

GW9連休が終わり、よしお弁当を作るぞ!と気合いを入れて起きた朝、
母がお弁当を作ってしまっていました。
悪気がないどころか好意で作ってくれたことは理解していましたが
とてもがっかりしたと同時に面白くない気持ちがふつふつと込み上げてきました。

母は、色々なことを「良かれ」とやってくれるのですが
その好意が領域侵犯だと思うこともしばしばでした。
ほぼそれが原因となって、うまくいかないことが多かったのです。

「洗濯は自分でするから」といえば、「いいからいいからついでだから。」
「部屋の掃除もしなくていいから(むしろして欲しくない)」と言っても
「あんな汚れた部屋がいいなんてごみ屋敷もいいところ。だから子供たちも片付けられないのよ。」と勝手にやってしまう。
勝手に家具の配置換えをされたこともあったし、
「使いやすいでしょ」とタンスの中を勝手に整理されたこともあった。(何がどこにあるのかもう分からない)
あとで直そうと思ってしまっておいた壊れたランプの部品も捨てられたり(絶対捨てられないように隠しておいてあったのに見つけだして!)
娘たちのバッグや机の引き出しを開けて整理したり、
息子の部屋の床に散らばったプリントを勝手にゴミと決め付けて捨ててしまい、
明日提出しなければならないレポートが見つからないと大騒ぎになったりと
本当に色々困ったことがありました。

全て「良かれ」という気持ちから
「私がやらなければ」という、
ともすればハタ迷惑な義務感によって。

「お願いだから放っておいて。迷惑だから。嬉しくないから。」
この感覚がどうしても理解してもらえず、本当に辛い日々でした。

親は子供の面倒を見て当たり前、
アラフィフになっても娘は娘、出戻りの娘は未だに嫁に行く前の小娘だと信じていて
家を出て離婚するまでの20年間、娘が主婦をしてそれなりに成長したことを理解してくれません。
母の正義=娘と孫の世話を責任を持ってやらなければ!親として支えなければ!

とても有り難く、とても辛い、まるで呪いのような愛です。

基本的に母は私を認めていないのです。
母はそんなことないと言いますが、絶対にそれが根底にあると思います。
私をダメな娘だと思っているのです。信用していないのです。
半人前だと思う潜在意識が子どもを支配しようとしてしまうのだと私は思っています。

「〜あらねばならない」
「こうあるべき」
そんな人生を送ってきた母に私は褒められた記憶がありません。
95点とっても「何で満点取れなかったの?」
学級副委員長になっても「次は委員長ね」
叱咤激励の叱咤ばかりの印象があります。
「これでいいんだよ。」とダメでも褒めてもらった記憶がありません。
あそこを直せば良くなる、頑張っていればもっと出来たはず………
ずっと優等生で来た私は10代初めにはもう息切れしていました。

だからこそ、私は自分の子供たちが反抗期になった今、
親に向かって反抗できるのはとても良いことだと思ったりするのです。
反抗したって「愛してくれている」と実感しているからこそ反抗できるのです。

そんな私(娘)の考えとは違い、母にとって
反抗期の孫たちの言動は(私は思春期もあまり反抗しなかった)
「育て方が悪いからこうなった」のだというのです。
「みんな、どこの家も普通はこんなものよ」と話しても
「レベルが同じ友人しかいないから普通じゃないことが分からないのよ。親に反抗するなんて言語道断」というわけです。
何度も何度も話し合い(言い合い)を繰り返した挙句、最近ようやく分かって来たようです。

言い合いになると、
「掃除も洗濯もご飯も何もかもやらせておいて偉そうにいうんじゃない」
「自分が何様だと思っている、嫌なら出て行け」
「こっちはやりたくないのに可哀想だと思ってやってあげてるんだ!」

と結果的に母が叫ぶ結果になってしまうので

「だから、やらなくてもいいって言ってるでしょ。むしろ迷惑。やりたくないのに何でやるのよ。」
とこちらも声を荒げて言い返す始末。
「お母さんは、良かれと思ってやっているのに一生懸命頑張っているのに、ひどい娘だ。」
「一生懸命頑張ったら、みんなが喜ぶと思ったら大間違い!押し付けもいい加減にしてほしい。」
離婚して色々と経験したおかげで「私は”私の人生”を生きる」と決めてから
以前には言えなかったことも言わなくちゃ、
できるだけ我慢はするけれど最後には思っていることを伝えなくちゃ、
自分を大切にしなくちゃ、と自分を奮い立たせた結果なのですが
こちらも言い合いのスキルが無いから、オブラートに包めず刃物のような言葉で斬りつけてしまう。

「感謝の気持ちがない」
「お母さんを憎んでいるからそんなことを言って苦しめるんだろう」
母が泣き出し、物を投げつけ、水をかぶる、などなど。ツライ。

本当に難しいです。

そんな思い込みのすれ違いを何度も何度も乗り越えて
大分おさまったと思っていたのに。
(まだ、出きってなかったか?)マグマが噴出した連休明けの朝。

本当に親とは分かり合えない…のかしら。

全く同じ人間はいないのだから
心底分かり合えたと感じるのも多分錯覚かもしれないけれど
錯覚でも思い込みでも、やはり分かり合えると思う一瞬一瞬の数が多い出会い、
シンクロのパーセンテージが高い人と一緒に過ごせることは
本当に貴重でありがたいことだとつくづく思う日々です。

 

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